Friday, December 16, 2011

Mental Musings

I know. Strange title for a post. But I am at a point in my life where I have realized that this smorgasbord of thoughts is will go on and on ad infinitum. Blogging is good, but I have realized that it feeds some of the repetitive thoughts I keep having and that mulling over things in my head and penning them does not solve them. And I am getting tired of the whole existential trip where I indulge in self indulgent blogging to try and sieve my thoughts. Honestly, I am at a plateau in my life and I like the fact that I have realized that life is a marathon, and there are always going to be hurdles to jump and that it's ok to have the obstacles. That's what life is all about. It's the human experience and there ain't a damn thing we can do about it :-)

I am currently juggling the advances of 3 guys. All 3 want to date me so I have to pit them against each other and see who is sound and mature enough to date. All 3 have their attributes and demerits. You could say that all 3 are alpha male types, and very attractive and have magnetic personalities, which makes it all the more difficult. I am leaning towards the youngest because he seems genuine. So let us see how it goes. Apparently I am an excellent cook because they all think so...and I realized that the whole thing about the way to a man's heart and stomach thing - so true! Well that, and mind blowing sex and no nagging. They'll be like putty in your hands :-)

I am headed home - the Coast for the holidays. I plan to live it up with my girlfriends who are coming down too. Here’s to Shawarma, Old Town and Nyali Beach. :-))

Later, Lovelies

Monday, October 3, 2011

Here I Am

Hi guys, I know. It's been another year that just passed by like really fast. I am back, but as usual, I won't be posting much. I just wanted to check up on all you guys and find out how you're doing. Life is grand for me, and I have come to accept both the good and the bad.

So, did y'all miss me? I am back, so let's get this baby on the road :-)

Saturday, October 2, 2010

BREAKTHROUGH...

Hey y'all, I'm back after close to a month of not posting. Now, as usual, a lot has changed in the span of a month. I'm shedding off the old me slowly but surely. In that connection, I have an announcement to make (I feel like a prefect in the school dining hall about to address the student fraternity hehe) - I broke up with S a.k.a Mr Tall and Big Feet. It had to happen, and this is why.....I have come to the realisation that I fall for the wrong men. I know - cliché, but it has to be said. S was secretive and couldn't honor his promises, so I kicked him to the kerb. I'm just tired of repeating the same patterns over and over. It's time to break free. As it is, I'm not getting any younger. I need to confront my demons and get rid of my insecurities so I can find a man worthy of my love. I'm not gonna be falling for the next hot mess that comes my way, aint no way that's gonna happen. It's time to move on up to the next stage in my evolution. S was a great guy, though I felt that he had so many secrets and just couldn't commit. All of a sudden, I feel like Bridget Jones, with the remaining female eggs sitting somewhere in the dark crevices of my fallopian tubes, growing older and unviable as the years go by. For the record - No I don't have fallopian tubes (maybe too much estrogen, but I'm not complaining. It gives me an amazing skin complexion) nor eggs. I'm just a gay guy trying to live life the best way I know how. Now that S is out of my life, I feel like my internal compass has been reset, and my transformation can continue unabated.

The new semester has just began, and I'm already exhausted thanks to the mass confusion that is inherent in public universities.They're fixing the road leading to Uni, and as such, the road is dusty. Put in another way, the sand storms in the Sahara would be preferred than the dust on this road. I can't wait for the rain, so that it can wash away the dust and bring some semblance of sanity. In other related new, there seems to be an explosion of gays in campus everywhere you look. Problem is, they're all young, naive freshers (first years) who wouldn't know how to fuck you even if you gave them a powerpoint presentation complete with flash images and audio snippets where needed. Meh.

I went home the beginning of last month and had the time of my life. My sister and a friend were trying their luck with the Assessment Day that had been planned by this big airline that I have been trying to get into since 2008. I trained them in poise, body language, what to say and how to say it. I was particularly hard on my sister, and inadvertently easy on the other girl. Sis got to the second last stage but made a fatal mistake after which she was eliminated. The other girl was eliminated at the first round. After that, we took a tour of the town - I'm from the Coast - went to the beach, the Old Town, bought spices, and had a gay old time. For the first time in a long while, I enjoyed my homecoming. Good memories :-) I just might post pictures at a later date if y'all are good *smile*

What else is new? I finally got myself a laptop, and I am now sleeping better and being more productive. I feel more confident, focused and grounded. Life, as the Americans put it, can be wobbly. You just have to know when to ride the wave, and when to let go? Am I happy? I'm getting there. Am I content? You bet. I have my days, but I have learnt not to wallow in that funk for too long. I can pick myself up, dust myself off, and keep moving, cos that's what you have to do. Keep moving. Love and Light xx

Sunday, September 5, 2010

HORMONAL NIGHTS

The other day, I decided once and for all to fix my nokia 5200. Its screen had died and the microphone wasn't working, such that when someone called, I could hear them but they couldn't hear me. I had to fish out my handsfree kit from my pockets to receive a call, which just became very frustrating very fast, so it was a relief when the screen 'died', but it was a short-lived relief. I was launched into a mad panic and ran, road-runner style, to the fundi to have it fixed when I realised it was either I get it fixed or I continued to use my new LG KS360 which was a phone from the pits of hell user-friendly wise compared to my trusty Nokia. I had to pay an arm, leg and half a liver to have it fixed but it was so worth it. Now I'm back to posting on the blog using mobile technology.

In other news, Mr Tall and Big Feet is back in my life. As promised, I looked for him after 'breaking it off' back in February. The mum is being a buzz kill about our thing - if you ask me, she's being overly protective. He's a quiet and reserved guy, doesn't talk too much. I think he has feelings for me, though I don't know to what extent these feelings run? After my last disaster 'relationship', I find it hard to trust. I know, how cliché. I just wanna barf, reading that last sentence hehe. I don't know what's going on in his mind and it drives me crazy when I pick at it and ask him what he's feeling. I think I'd have much more luck coaxing a turtle out of it's shell, that's how much he's closed up. Obviously , I like him loads, otherwise I wouldn't be bothering and obsessing about this stuff. I recently started watching The Real Housewives of New York, a reality tv show produced by the Bravo Network, who brought you, among other stellar productions, Project Runway and Make me a Supermodel. Now, there's this woman called Betheny that I can totally relate to. She's gorgeous, fiercely independent, makes her own money and calls the shots in her own life. She however falls for the wrong type of guys, that'll never commit. She also has the habit of heading for the door whenever she senses trouble in the relationship. I was crying like a little bitch while watching her, it was as if I was watching my life reflected in my tiny fifteen inch telly. All the men that come into Betheny's life are great - disarming, successful and protective. She just has serious trust issues and does the whole Black Widow routine over and over, while her friends stand by and watch, then pull her aside and hold interventions upon interventions - I swear if they knew how, they would lay hands on her and cast out the demons of mistrust and fear of intimacy. Back to me - I know S (Mr Tall and Big Feet) has the best of intentions, then why can't I just let go and just fall? I need to go back in my past with the help of meditation and hypnosis (I've learnt to induce these two on my own, up yours conventional therapy hah!) and identify a time when I felt abandoned and neglected by my father, and resolve and unfurl this knob in the rope that is the story of my life. One thing's for sure - I can't live like this anymore. I'm tired of the bad boys. I really am. I'm ready to give up the awesome sex they give, and look beyond my looks and try to make something work. I have my head screwed on right this time around, and armed with the right resources and a fighting spirit, I believe I can do this. Wish me luck guys! xx

Sunday, August 8, 2010

Evolution

I know, you guys must be wondering where I disappeared off to. Well, I'm glad to tell you all that I'm back, thanks to the amazing twin technologies of the Finns , namely Nokia and T9.

So the other day, my OCD built up into a frenzy and I couldn't take the constant speculation and random compulsive internet trolling for signs that I could've contracted HIV. I woke up the next day, up to my ears in obsessions and anxiety that could , if harvested, feed and engorge a thousand penises. Anyway, I digress.

So, I wake up, take a shower, put on my favorite white shirt and pants, buff my black shoes to a high shine, and head on down to the uni vct. Fast-forward to the test - I'm nervous, but my rational mind tells me I have nothing to worry about, despite having dated a compulsive-cum-pathological nutcase liar back in December. Hell, he used to sell sex back in the day! And he was uncircumcised, which meant it would've been much easier to catch anything from him. We never engaged in risky sexual behaviour, but you never know these days. I felt like screaming out halleluya when the results came out negative. I was beside myself, and I felt, for the first time in a long time, that I was finally free to begin life afresh.

This test was a precursor to many achievements, one of which was finding my missing marks after four months of frantically looking for them at my school at uni. My lecturer, keen to help me graduate, was willing to help me find the marks, but he was such a mouse, and preferred that I follow the regulations i.e prove that I had paid my fees for the particular semester that my marks were missing from. I had to raise hell and scream down everyone at the department to get my marks put down on the records. I engaged in a bit of homodrama which eventually helped as I got my marks, closing a four month chapter in my life. Public universities and their shameless, corrupt bureaucracy.

Now that I feel that I have to the point in my life that prompts me to make an evolutionary change, I feel that I am ready to love again. I have a couple of guys I have in mind, one being Mr Tall and Big Feet who came to my rescue back in January when my life was falling apart, and wanted more than I could give at the moment. I feel I should give us a try, since he was kind to me and I have feelings for him. Candidate number two would be my ex who just came back from the middle east, a very stylish gentleman who makes me wanna show him off to my friends, and a good lay. We click on a fundamental level. I dumped him about two years ago for no reason. I now feel like I should pick up from where we left off. I'm weighing my options, although I now know that love knows no logic.

This brings me to my next line of thought. Logical or critical thinking. A year ago, I didn't have this ability. I was always the intuitive type, always going with the flow. The mexican-kenyan drama that unfolded right in front of my eyes last december thanks to my ex forced me to change my ways if I was going to survive. These days I am less emotional, more systematic and make better choices. I see the bigger picture, and am more objective. This new way of thinking has saved me a lot of heartache. I am stronger. More shrewd. Wiser. I have Evolved.

Lastly, my friend went for the interview I had back in April. Hers was last week. I met up with her to help her pick up a suit after she beat the competition and made it to the finals. We did her makeup and nails, and over chai lattes at T Spot, I gave her a mock interview to assess how prepared she was, and then wished her all the best. I have a good feeling that she'll get in. In a way, all that I went through back in April is about to pay off when she gets accepted into this prestigious company.
I hope to join her next year, when my time comes.

Here's to a beautiful future, filled with optimism and fortune!

Til next time, my lovelies xx

Thursday, June 10, 2010

I'm Back :)

So, after a long hiatus, I have decided to make a comeback. Granted, it's not a Whitney-type comeback, I'm still gonna rock my return. A lot has happened since the last time I wrote. Lots of school, interviews, love affairs, family intrigues, you name it, I've done it. Seems I've been an Experience Whore, no?

So, I went for my life-changing interview, and made it to the finals after twelve hours of gruelling group work sessions, IQ and English tests, and lots of nerves. I had so much pegged on this interview - it was to be my window to my escape from school, family and a lack-lustre life full of boring and straight people dipped in a primordial soup of unending clichés and tacky fashion tastes. But you get my point. At the end of the twelve hours, there was nine of us, out of an initial ninety five applicants. And lo and behold, yours truly was the only male in the room (technically-speaking, that is.) The rest were female. I was beside myself with excitement. I could already see it - world travel 35000 feet in the air, amazing layovers, beautiful exotic men in far-off lands, tax free salary, discounts, shopping, shopping and more shopping! We were booked for individual interviews once our papers were checked - passports, birth certificates, you know the drill - and mine was slated in a few days from the preliminary interview. The beaming recruiters then proceeded to give us a promotional DVD about the company and sent us on our way.

Two days later, I walk into the grand hotel , as confident as Oprah doing a Favorite Things episode (Oprahphiles, you know what I'm talking about lol) I proceed to wait , clammy hands and all, for my turn to be interviewed. Upon walking in, I realise that it is going to be a two to one type of interview. Adrenalin shoots through the roof. The questions are tough and abstract, mostly to do with previous work experience. Fourty five minutes later, the interview concludes, and I walk out, hopeful that it went well. Granted there were a few awkward moments, I nevertheless felt I had done my best. My comme ci comme ça boyfriend comes round the hotel to pick me up. We chat for a while and he drops me at my stage. I head home, glad the day is over.

Barely four days later, I get an email from the recruiters. Unfortunately , I have been rejected. I am crushed. My instincts fire up for a micro-second, sensing something isn't right. I decide to disregard that feeling, choosing to proceed to cry my eyes out. For the next two days, I don't leave the house. I am devastated.

That night, something strange happens. I watch the news - the regular death, destruction and political intrigues. But then, something catches my eye. A news piece about the Dubai Visa fiasco. Then a line about a group of nine job-seekers who had done an interview in Nairobi a few days ago being denied visas by the Dubai Immigration. I hark back to my hunch just after getting my rejection email. Everything falls into place. At the same time, an epiphany - life is unpredictable. I am not, after all, the master of my destiny. There is a bigger entity pulling the strings. Call them God, Buddha, The One, Zero, Destiny, whatever name you choose, it doesnt matter. I did everything right to ensure I get the job. Heck, I beat all the other guys! At the end of it all, I went for what I wanted, and I never really got it, but it doesn't matter at all. Having made it to the final interview, I was 'penalised' for the duration of a year i.e I am not allowed to apply until a year relapses. Here's hoping the third time will be a charm. This is my destiny, I can feel it in my bones. Wanderlust calls, and I have no option but to answer.

Apart from that , I underwent a near ego death, some kind of awakening, but I was too scared to let go, fearing what I would discover on the other side. I won't go much into this experience, but in case you're wondering what this nutcase is talking about, Google is your best friend. Check out Ego Death , and The Veil of Maya.

'Til next time
xxx

Thursday, March 25, 2010

DREAMS AND LEOPARDS

It's been exactly a month since I wrote. First of all, thank you for your comments. They make me feel like I'm not just fumbling in the dark, and that maybe I could be helping out some kid somewhere going through almost exactly what I'm going through.

I'm in bed, with a raging headache, under leopard print sheets, writing this. A new love interest has come into my life. Great guy, very 'stable' and he's taking things slow with me. Admittedly , he's a bit of a geek, but I'm not complaining. I won't rush this one. I'll get to know him in and out before committing to anything. This time I'm going to be rational. Emotional or downright kooky didn't work in the past, so it's only natural that I evolve.


School is a pain in the tuchus, but there's nothing I can do about that. I just have to keep moving. By the way, I absolutely love that Whitney is back. I love her comeback I Look To You album, it's an amazing piece of work, that saw the music giants of the industry come together to put out an album that is strong and which has mass market appeal. I don't care what anyone says about her voice - the truth is that she survived crack and a host of other drugs and came back to life, and continued doing what she does best. An absolute inspiration to yours truly. My music player can attest to that :)


OK, that was random lol. Exams are coming up, a big a** interview that could radically change my life is on its way, and things are looking up. I can't complain. I have the faith and trust and resilience that is needed to keep moving.

Goodnight everyone ;)

Whitney Houston - Step by Step